Whether we realize it or not, in the majority of cases most of us are a reflection of the people, culture and environment around us.
We’ve all been subject to the need to fit in as a means to feeling validated, acceptable and accepted.
Invariably the price we pay is a lack of self acceptance. As a society, we’ve been conditioned to compare ourselves to others and identify where and how we fall short.
An all too common conviction among many people is that they don’t measure up against an implied ideal. Few if any are brave enough to stand out from the crowd as a truly unique individual. Such people are often viewed as freaks, outsiders or misguided wannabes.
The position we all too often find ourselves in then, is playing a variety of roles that conform to the expectations that we have of the people around us. Put another way, we conform to what we think their expectations of us are. One example of this is the way we behave around work peers versus our mates on the weekend. Often these are two very different versions of personality based on what we deem acceptable or expected of us.
From time to time we’ll identify with an individual possessing attributes that we aspire to mimic. Often none the wiser that many of these people we idealize, have their own set of insecurities and characteristics that they inwardly cringe at. The same way we tend to cringe at aspects of ourselves that we dislike. The takeaway is that few people are immune to self criticism. Even those we view as exemplary role models.
A solution to this endless self harassment is to mark a line in the sand and simply embrace whoever and whatever we are at the time. What we’re inclined to do is bemoan certain aspects of ourselves, but resign to never being able to adapt or improve.
There is however a mindset of betterment where rather than beating ourselves up and berating ourselves where we feel like we fall short. There’s a healthier mindset where we can see ourselves as a work in progress. Thus each perceived shortcoming is not a failure, but rather an opportunity to analyse why we feel as though we could have done better and explore ways to modify our thoughts and behaviour to improve. This in a nutshell is the notion of a growth mindset.
One reassuring attribute of life is how unrelentingly transformational it is. From one moment to another we are never truly the same person. Each experience, thought and observation that we have changes us from one moment to the next. This is far more evident over greater periods of time. Just look at how different a person you are both mentally and physically from your childhood. You think and feel like you’re the same person all the time. The reality is quite different. You are almost entirely a different person. All you really retain are memories of your former being.
If you pay close attention to your thoughts and feelings, you’ll notice week to week and day to day you slowly, incrementally transform. This can become the fuel for relating to yourself in a more favourable manner.
With this in mind, we should never feel like we’re a hopeless cause. What’s often considered a crisis of character on any given day is scarcely remembered in following weeks and months. What we often gain over time is perspective.
The real challenge in all of this is to free ourselves from the constant internal critique that we impose on ourselves. Whereas we might well have our own set of values and virtues we aspire to. In reality we’re more often concerned about what other people think about us.
In this mode of operation we’re constantly critiquing ourselves against a completely imaginary set of values we’ve dreamed up. Imagining what it is that we think others are thinking about us.
As such, we live in a bizarre state of evaluating how others view us without really knowing for sure. The futility of this is should be obvious. So why do we insist on doing it?
We’re often terrible communicators, so there’s seldom an opportunity to open up an honest dialogue that might serve to dispel the assumptions that we make by finding out what somebody else actually thinks of us or a given situation. This in itself could serve as a rich source of insight.
It’s little wonder we exist in a near constant state of self inflicted suffering.
With all of this in mind, it’s beneficial to establish some perspective and start understanding that we aren’t the centre of the universe that we think we are. The only person putting us under constant scrutiny is ourselves.
We project this perception back out into the world by imagining what others are thinking and tend to conduct ourselves accordingly.
A simple example is a person who thinks that they’re not well liked and don’t fit in well with others. Rather than having the self assured confidence to be outward going, a person with this belief about themselves, act in a conservative reserved manner. They’re awkward and reserved. Thus the flawed belief about themselves becomes reinforced in reality.
The antidote to this utter madness is to accept what is. See the value in our uniqueness and start behaving accordingly. If other people don’t like who you are, that’s their problem not yours.
This demarcation in thought and behavior is the starting point of understanding who you are and what you actually stand for. Instead of following the crowd, you create an opportunity to lead your own way and become an inspiration to others. It is a long journey, but one well worth pursuing.
All you need is the courage to embark upon it. One self accepting and self assured step at a time.